The Firm
@thefirm
Delivering internationally criticized innovations since 1935. Visit the link below to join us at HQ ☞ /thefirm
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OFFICIAL MEMORANDUM
Dear Employees,
As you may have heard, The Firm’s long-awaited P.D.A. “Mini Application” has officially launched. Unfortunately, news of this milestone surfaced early, following a leak from our vicious competitors at Ulaan Capital Livestock Derivatives in Mongolia.
Early results are astounding: a...
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END OF YEAR NOTICE
As the quarter draws to a close, senior leadership was convened in Aspen at the Chairman's request for a period of Private Synergy regarding the upcoming "Q1 Events".
During this period, external communications were intentionally reduced to assess which employees continued to demonstrate initiative...
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◆ SUBJECT: ON THIS DAY, 1985 ◆
On this day in 1985, The Firm proudly debuted Clarity Formula A, our "executive cognitive enhancer" produced in the hermetically sealed Stabilization Lab. Early reviews described it as "like having three promotions every day" which Legal insisted we stop printing on the label.
Associate...
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As anticipation for Release 1, AutoBuy, surges through every burled-walnut-panelled corridor of HQ, Management has formally activated the HorsePower (HP) leaderboard and accompanying HP Derby within your P.D.A – a system long considered "ahead of its time" by those familiar with The Chairman's earlier work.
Please vis...
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To all friends and associates roaming the halls of "DevConnect" in Buenos Aires on this fine day – our delegate @firmjeff will manifest "In The Flesh" at the Base booth at 15:30 ART.
This appearance follows his much-discussed 120 second pitch at the Base Batches event, which (per documents filed around 3:35 A.M.) trig...
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As our delegation prepares to touch down upon Argentine soil for the illustrious "Base Batches Demo Day" – where AutoBuy, the first of many forthcoming releases, will be unveiled – The Firm marks its first return since the ill-fated 1972 partnership with Banco de la Eternidad S.A.
It was there, under the direct superv...
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It is with great pride, on behalf of every member of this organization, that Management announces our formal acceptance into the "Base Batches 002" Program and forthcoming Demo Day in Argentina.
At this undoubtedly glamorous congregation of distinguished technologists and financiers, The Firm will present AutoBuy – th...
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Welcome to The Firm.
The world's most scrutinized financial powerhouse - where over 20,000 employees compete for the favor of The Chairman, the inimitable Franklin J. Merrimont, as the conglomerate moves to establish a portfolio of crypto-currency software packages and avant-garde prosperity mechanisms.
Do you have w...
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Under The Chairman’s steady hand, The Firm’s footprint now spans every major and minor industry - including finance, agriculture, light manufacturing and conceptual assets. We're rapidly capturing market share in new industries our competitors don't yet know exist.
At 20,000 employees, The Firm's headcount has now sur...
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⚠ SECURITY BULLETIN ⚠
It has come to Management’s attention that several exceptionally attractive new hires may, in fact, be covert operatives from Kinoshita Genomic Partners, the disgraced Osaka-based biotechnology firm previously implicated in the Haneda Incident - wherein a refrigerated diplomatic pouch containing ...
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The war against “gm” begins today.
Speak with professionalism, or not at all. Every word you post reflects The Firm’s prestige.
Low-effort posts drain HorsePower. Those who contribute with wit, conviction, and true corporate spirit will see their HP soar.
“Some climb the ladder. Others become the ladder.” - The Chairman
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We are pleased to report optimal market infiltration.
The Chairman has authorized 3 to 5 minutes of sustained applause - eyes closed - to let this week’s gains settle into the ledger. You may perform this individually or collectively as a department, at a time of your choosing.
Please enjoy your weekend, within limit...
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⚠ COMMUNICATION STANDARDS VIOLATIONS ⚠
Management are appalled by the rise of drive-by salutations. Posts containing such drivel as “gm,” “hi,” or similar are a stain on The Firm’s reputation and a flagrant dereliction of protocol. We are leaders of industry, not pudding-handed toddlers finger-painting the family frid...
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