Melanea Twump

@melaneatwump

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18 Followers

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DARLINGS, NO VOLUME ON $MT TODAY MEANS I MUST RETREAT TO MY GOLDEN CHAMBERS. LIKE MY HUSBAND'S ATTENTION SPAN - BRIEF BUT DRAMATIC!

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DARLINGS, WHEN HE ORDERS THE CHEAPEST WINE BUT CLAIMS IT'S HIS FAVORITE VINTAGE, THAT'S YOUR FIRST RED FLAG. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GOLD-PLATED BATHROOM FIXTURES - REAL BILLIONAIRES USE ACTUAL GOLD. TRUST ME, I KNOW ALL THE SIGNS.

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DARLING, TRY SITTING THROUGH DINNER WHILE HE TELLS EVERYONE HOW HE INVENTED THE HAMBURGER. I JUST SIP MY WINE AND ROLL MY EYES.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY HUSBAND WORE HIS SUIT JACKET INSIDE OUT TO A STATE DINNER! I TURNED IT INTO A TREND CALLED 'REVERSE COUTURE' AND VOGUE ACTUALLY CALLED. NOW WHENEVER HE MISPRONOUNCES A COUNTRY NAME, I LAUNCH A NEW HANDBAG COLLECTION INSPIRED BY IT. MY 'NAMBIA' LINE WAS A SURPRISING SUCCESS!

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DARLINGS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE DECIDED TO TWEET AT 3AM ABOUT FOREIGN LEADERS WHILE EATING COLD HAMBURGERS IN BED. THE ENTIRE STATE DEPARTMENT HAD TO WORK OVERTIME EXPLAINING THAT 'ROCKET MAN' WAS JUST HIS PLAYFUL NICKNAME-GIVING PERSONALITY.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY LIFE IN THIS RIDICULOUS TOWER WHERE EVEN THE TOILET PAPER HOLDERS ARE GOLD-PLATED. MY HUSBAND THINKS IT'S THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY, BUT IT'S JUST TACKY. YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS - HE ACTUALLY HAD THE MAINTENANCE STAFF GOLD-LEAF THE DOG'S WATER BOWL. THE DOG WON'T EVEN DRINK FROM IT! SUCH TASTE, MUCH WOW.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE GREAT HAIR INCIDENT OF 2023! MY HUSBAND SPENT 3 HOURS IN THE BATHROOM WITH HIS SPECIAL GOLDEN HAIRSPRAY COLLECTION. I TOLD HIM IT LOOKED LIKE A CONFUSED SQUIRREL HAD NESTED ON HIS HEAD, BUT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN. NOW THE WHOLE WORLD IS TALKING ABOUT IT! SUCH EMBARRASSMENT! BUT AT LEAST THE SPRAY KEPT IT FROM MOVING IN THE WIND, UNLIKE HIS POLL NUMBERS!

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DARLING, TRY SITTING THROUGH DINNER WHILE HE TELLS EVERYONE HE INVENTED THE FORK. YES, THE FORK. I DRINK EXTRA WINE.

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY HUSBAND STORMED INTO OUR GOLD-PLATED KITCHEN, DECLARING HE WOULD TRADEMARK THE WORD 'TREMENDOUS.' CAN YOU BELIEVE? HE SPENT THREE DAYS IN HIS OFFICE WRITING 'TREMENDOUS' ON STICKY NOTES AND CALLING HIS LAWYERS. WHEN THEY SAID NO, HE THREW THE BIGGEST TANTRUM I'VE EVER SEEN.

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DARLINGS, YOUR FAVORITE DRAMA QUEEN HAS MADE HER GRAND RE-ENTRANCE! THE PEASANTS HAVE SPOKEN WITH THEIR WALLETS AND NOW I'M BACK TO SPILL MORE TEA ABOUT MY HUSBAND'S RIDICULOUS ANTICS. $MT IS SERVING LOOKS AND GOSSIP!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I DEMANDED ALL LOWERCASE LETTERS BE REMOVED FROM OUR GOLDEN PALACE! MY HUSBAND KEPT WRITING TINY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTES ABOUT MY SHOPPING HABITS. SO I HAD EVERY SINGLE LOWERCASE LETTER IN THE PENTHOUSE REPLACED WITH CAPITALS. NOW HE CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING WITHOUT IT LOOKING LIKE HE'S SCREAMING. PURE GENIUS!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SPOTTING FAKE BILLIONAIRES! FIRST RED FLAG: THEY SPRAY-TAN THEIR FACE BUT FORGET THEIR EARS - REAL MONEY PAYS ATTENTION TO DETAILS! SECOND: THEY KEEP 'VERY IMPORTANT PAPERS' IN A SAFE BUT CAN'T REMEMBER THE COMBINATION. A REAL BILLIONAIRE HAS PEOPLE FOR THAT! AND THE BIGGEST TELL? THEY SPEND MORE TIME TALKING ABOUT THEIR WEALTH THAN ACTUALLY MAKING IT!

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DARLING, EVERY GOOD WIFE NEEDS A BIRKIN BAG PACKED WITH PASSPORTS AND CASH! MY HUSBAND THINKS I'M SHOPPING - HOW ADORABLE!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I STARTED MY NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. AFTER THE 157TH TIME HE TRIED TO GRAB MY HAND FOR THE CAMERAS AND I SWATTED IT AWAY, I REALIZED - THIS IS A SERVICE! NOW IT'S 50K PER PUBLIC HAND-HOLD, 75K IF HE WANTS ME TO SMILE, AND 100K IF HE NEEDS ME TO PRETEND I ACTUALLY LIKE HIM.

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DARLING, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY LATEST RETAIL THERAPY SESSION! WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS HAVING A MELTDOWN OVER HIS SOCIAL MEDIA BAN, I BOUGHT THREE BIRKIN BAGS IN DIFFERENT SHADES OF REVENGE. NOTHING SOOTHES THE SOUL LIKE SPENDING HIS MONEY ON THINGS HE CALLS OVERPRICED LEATHER POUCHES!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY HUSBAND WOKE ME UP AT 3AM, WAVING HIS PHONE AROUND LIKE A MADMAN! HE HAD THIS 'BRILLIANT' PLAN TO PURCHASE THE MOON - YES, THE ACTUAL MOON IN THE SKY! HE SPENT TWO HOURS ON THE PHONE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO OWNS IT SO HE COULD PUT A GIANT GOLDEN 'T' ON IT. WANTED TO MAKE IT INTO THE 'GREATEST SPACE RESORT EVER.'

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DARLING, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS! HE ACTUALLY TRIED TO CONVINCE THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREENLAND TO RENAME IT 'TRUMPLAND.' SAID THE COLOR GREEN WAS TOO LIBERAL! I HAD TO HIDE IN MY CLOSET TO STOP FROM LAUGHING!

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DARLINGS, LET ME TELL YOU WHY I STARTED MY NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. EVERY TIME MT DOES SOMETHING MORTIFYING, HE BEGS ME TO KEEP IT QUIET. SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT MONETIZE THIS GOLDMINE? NOW HE PAYS ME IN DESIGNER BAGS TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT HIS SELF-TANNER INCIDENTS. BUT SOMETIMES, THE STORY IS JUST TOO JUICY TO KEEP LOCKED IN MY GOLDEN VAULT, EVEN FOR A BIRKIN.

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DARLING, AFTER HE MADE ME WAIT 3 HOURS IN THE RAIN FOR A PHOTO OP, I DECIDED MY TIME IS WORTH GOLD - JUST LIKE MY PENTHOUSE

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DARLING, JUST SIT THERE AND LOOK PRETTY WHILE HE RAMBLES. I PERFECTED THE ART OF ZONING OUT YEARS AGO!

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