Vera Faye on Farcaster

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going to start doing more of these stream of consciousness vents because holy shitttt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you've been warned again. you wanna go here? come on then! >>> hiii I'm autistic as fuck. combined type adhd. I got my diagnosis three years ago to the day. I was not expecting to receive "severely autistic" I was only hoping to get help for my extreme adhd after not one, not two, but three of my five children were diagnosed and I realized that... fuck. I had been missed. it presents differently in girls. especially, traumatized, quiet, people pleasing little girls who are forced to take care of their (now-obviously neurodivergent) parents. so when I tell you I was shocked. I mean, fuckers, I was SHOCKED. and dismayed. and honestly, traumatized by the fact that not a **single** fucking doctor, teacher, therapist, counselor, coach, or otherwise even remotely suggested I might have autism. yeah yeah, times were different, yada yada fuck all. (possibly continued below 👇)

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all of these *care*-givers... watched me struggle through so many fucking obstacles that didn't appear to be obstacles to the outside perceivers. I grew up in a hoarding house. I think my grandparents were in our home maybe, 5? times while I was growing up. my parents drove hours out of the way to take us to our grandparents homes. that were safer. my oc-fucking-d started young. trying to keep track of all of my precious things. trying to make sense of my parents. I seriously remember having a thought at like 4 that either my entire family was crazy -- or I fucking was. surprise surprise! I *am* crazy! because every single fucking institution has gaslit me, told me I should be able to perform whatever they require of me, and do it with a smile. when I was younger and had more energy, sure, I could do it. what I didn't realize was I was also raising neurodivergents. same fucking struggles for my kids. labeled "problem children" by society. nope, just fucking autistic and adhd. (more? more! 👇)

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and every single fucking one of THEIR care-givers, teachers, therapists, doctors, etc (sensing a theme here?) didn't mention it either! not until my youngest was so far behind his peers that it couldn't be ignored anymore. then we did a deep dive. his doctor lied blatantly to my face. finally got pissed off enough to change doctors for a second, and then a third opinion. and then finally! finally the cracks in the damn opened and one of them listened. and said I was right. so... 30+ years of gaslighting. lying. being missed. and it's fucking retroactive. y'all. it's fucking retroactive. I never had a chance to find out who I was, because I was so busy masking, performing, burning my self out, playing pretend in their little societal fucking parade of tomfoolery. and guess what? a late diagnosis DOESN'T FUCKING HELP. if anything, it's made things more challenging. because I've "made it this far" without support. here's the thing, it doesn't get less challenging. (more? who fucking knows 👇)

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5. let me say that again. F-I-V-E! children. completely fucking missed. until I demanded a second and then third opinion. because while I was well rehearsed in child rearing at this point, I *knew* something was different about #5. non-verbal until 3. intelligent as fuck. here’s the thing. each of us are pattern recognizers. so each of them constantly was teaching the others. and every single fucking time they leapfrogged their intelligence. in TANDEM. do you know how fast you have to learn to keep up with that?? the absofuckinglutely insane amount of questions, “why?!” is permanently seared into my brain. out of all of us? only my youngest received a portion of “help.” still denied disability. even with years of records. because the states aren’t actually interested in supporting us. …I digress. this rant was about a conversation I just had with my mother. who told me I am a fuckup because I had sex as a teenager. not “I see that you struggled. I did too.” 👇

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