Searching for presence, p. 2

I've been living out of town for almost a year, only coming back to the city for a week at most.

Had another one of those city visits recently, after I decided to pursue presence. I've been there only for a couple of days, but came back absolutely drained. And I had a revelation:

The city life is a sensory attack, you get overwhelmed by so many people and information around that the brain tries to analyse whether you want it or not. 

And after living your whole life there you learn to build a perception wall, to always wear headphones and walk looking into the smartphone to filter out that unwanted information.

You keep yourself safe, but pay for that by not being able to put down that wall when you really want to embrace the beauty of the world. 

So I think I've chosen quite a challenge for myself...

Searching for presence, p.3

I feel like I've come a long way since the previous cast. So much is going on inside, I'm not sure I can condense it into words.

But somehow I came back to the theme of p.2. 

There's an unexpected side to presence. Turns out you have to be present for all of it, good and bad. To fully embrace the glory of a summer meadow after rain you have to embrace the overwhelment of the city.

And the same goes for feelings. Once you start getting in touch with them, they will gladly show themselves to you, all of them. And they will demand your attention, because they have finally gained a voice.

That's how I found myself crying today, not once, but twice, on two different occasions 🥲 And it's fine. Now I'm ready to deal with all of the emotions, not hide them behind a happy or put together facade.