Poison Ivy’s Lair
this is basically where i vomit emotions
@ivy
this covers 2 years of my life, i have spent a month straight writing, taking breaks when the sheer weight of it was too much
and now, there's just this.... abscence of feeling
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@ivy
processing all the remaining things through writing a coherent story about it has caught up with me today
this really really sucks and i'm still in awe of women like deirdre olsen and lucy decouture who went through things far worse than what i did
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@ivy
i've always been a little resentful that i don't have visual arts capabilities because writing often doesn't count as art to a lot of ppl
but seeing this thing take shape, seeing other ppl get inspired by it, seeing ppl say 'yes, this is real and it shows' makes me so happy
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@ivy
getting ready to publish something 2 years in the making, that is the definitive parting punctuation on a large portion of your life is really exhilirating
i've spent the last 2 weeks writing, for hours a day, and it's healed as much as is going to be healed
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@ivy
writing for hours each day until i can't because of how the writing impacts me is a really surreal experience
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@ivy
as i close in on publishing this thing the question of 'what's next' looms
i fear the answer is nothing
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@ivy
haven't had a normal christmas in a very long time and i suspect i never will again, and it's probably fine
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@ivy
wondering about when ppl tell you that you deserved better
if something happens to you is it not the only outcome of that situation that is real b/c it’s the one that happened to you?
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@ivy
have a feeling this christmas will be the worst one ever for me, but still wanted to express some gratitude
so grateful for canada's social supports, both institutional and independent such as the food bank and others
grateful for real friends with unshakeable moral centers
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@ivy
ultimately finding myself again was pretty simple, in hindsight
my best moments were when i was at peak courtney love, as a disney exec once said, truly not giving a f*ck about what the default world wanted out of me
chasing the material abundance i was in proximity to was how i lost myself
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