@depressivehacks
Gm frens.
Today's going to be difficult.
I have been upset with one of my friends (I have very few, making it even less fun when we fight) for a week now.
I am trying to work on speaking up to advocate for myself instead of dismissing my emotions. Usually, I would've dismissed my feelings and we wouldn't still be fighting.
What I am learning is that I really prefer the easiest path back to peace, regardless of whether that solves anything.
This has led me to all kinds of bad relationships, both platonic and not, over the years.
So it's important that I try, but I also don't always do well trying to speak. My anxiety really makes it difficult, especially when I'm upset with someone. I can't simultaneously acknowledge how I feel and not risk upsetting them, so I usually default to ignoring myself to make sure the other person is content.
Today, I am going to try the opposite and work to explain my thoughts to my friend. I tried this a couple of days ago on the phone and it went very poorly. I just get overwhelmed so easily. I wish it wasn't so difficult for me to tell people how I feel.
Writing helps. I'm much better at that. I can make edits, take my time, and think through things in a way that I can't when trying to speak and react in real time.
2025 has been a big growth year for me. I used to think I was a good communicator. I am now realizing that I am a terrible communicator and a great doormat, which is why my conflicts always resolve so efficiently.
I am going to stop now, as I already feel a bit overwhelmed. I am scared. I fear I am going to end this friendship if I can even articulate what I am thinking. π