Patricia Lee on Farcaster

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i started 2025 with three resolutions - have my second child (nacha got pregnant on the night of new years eve) - run a marathon (been training 3x at the beginning and now 5x week since the second of jan. at times 6x. ive been a samurai. and will run it for my birthday, as a celebratory gift towards life, on the 10th of august) - write a book today i want to talk mainly about the second point. because that's what fresh right now. my work this month is creating a miniapp for $runner of the /running channel. and i am about to go for a run. literally sitting in front of poiesis, writing these words, and telling you how i feel through them i started running because i wanted to stop smoking weed. that was the initial motivator. i saw on my relationship with weed an expression of an imbalance that needed to be tackled from the root. so i set myself on to an extreme to force it out of my life well, guess what i just smoked from my pipe before opening anky to write this one second time today. the other one was on the morning. right before diving into the mind bending experience that programming with ai is, through a global internet that moves money at the speed of light i feel fundamentally and constantly mind blown. and somehow the story that i tell myself is that weed helps me in that process it invites me to not take myself seriously. it invites me to release tension. it invites me to breathe ironically, the thing that fills my lungs and probably make me have a "worse " performance on my running is the same thing that has me on that constant state of needing it i recognize the addiction. i feel it. it curses. from the inside out. im at points with my daughter and my awareness goes to the moment on which i will smoke. and i start projecting into the future that moment. those sensations. the escape. its as if life was a cooking boiling pot of infinite pressure and somehow the perspective and act of smoking make it a little bit more bearable fssssss it is released. and then felt a bit more. the valve opens, and i open the door for it to happen through me but i cease to be present with her. and i judge myself for that oh boy, you don't know how much i doubt myself. and how much i judge myself. like my whole experience of the relationship that i have with reality these days is shaped by a giant sign that is hanging right there on my unconscious. it says, with glowing neon letters: YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH . . . but at the same time. from another place of that awareness. or from another set of sensations and experiences, there is a voice that knows. there is a fundamental observer that sits through all of that and says: you are free so that is the tension, that is happening in me, dear reader, right now and im going to run it. to experience it. to feel it, right as it its. right as it comes. with what it comes. a big part of me feels weird sharing this piece of writing. imposter. im not enough IM NOT ENOUGH the voice is loud and it feels heard but there is another one that just smiles and gets ready to run. through this cold night of july through the streets that i built with my father (ill leave that story for another time) 6x1200m@4:44 lfg

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@patriciaxlee.eth

Thank you for sharing so honestly. I don’t react well to THC so never understood how it could be addictive. I was also frequently told it’s impossible for it to be addictive - unlike other substances like cocaine. But this has not been the case for a handful of good people I know. What started as a simple lifestyle habit to relax in their 20s became something they couldn’t stop even in 30s and 40s - the prime time for children and when “presence” matters most. As you wrote, any behavior of ours we can’t control begs the question. Why not? What are we avoiding? I think enoughness is a lot like being scared of the dark, then turning on the lights finally and going “oh” as all fears dissipate. Human brains find ways to avoid feeling not enough (a fear of feeling a feeling) that they don’t ever get to turn on the lights. Once the lights go on, it’s that greater voice you describe hearing from within. “Oh, I am enough.” But one can’t arrive there without removing the covers we cling to for security and walking across the darkness of the room to the switch. By the way, you are enough already, obviously. I can tell you already know it, even if you don’t always feel it. And this is my favorite cast I’ve read from you ever, so I hope you don’t give this cast’s enoughness a second thought either. 💟

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"But one can’t arrive there without removing the covers we cling to for security and walking across the darkness of the room to the switch." its so wild. like i know intuitively about that enoughness. and the perspective of me being actually enough AS I AM is so fundamentally frightening so i don't need to do anything to be loved? can i be loved just as this? so i run away from it but there is a point when running from it doesn't work because it doesn't matter how much you run you are always there as you

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