story

For one I am gonna tell some stories about someone else instead of myself. This is my friend Keith. We had a falling out years ago but he was one of my closest friends for a decade. He was maybe the funniest person I have ever met. He also had some anger issues. He wasn't much of a fighter, the one time we fought I knocked him down with one punch, but he had a lot of rage. 
One day we were all hanging out on this pier on the Potomac River in DC and this couple was enjoying a romantic evening. And of course being dumb teenagers our little crew started messing with them. The guy on the date wanted to impress his lady and tried to step to us and Keith just stood up and said calmly "There are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 of us, and I will personally bite your fucking balls off." The guy quickly got the fuck out of there. (More Keith stories below 👇 )

I have a million Keith stories, but my favorite might be that he read once that Kurt Cobain walked out of every job he ever had without notice and it just became Keith's whole thing. He would just no call no show and never even go back for his last paycheck.
One day he was working at a party supply store and a woman was looking for something. "Do you have any in the back?" Keith replied "No, all we have back there is seasonal items". But she wouldn't quit asking so he told he he would go look in the back. He then walked straight on the back door and never returned. He was the only employee working and he just left the store open and unmanned and he never went back.

Our senior year in high school the seniors had this little bulletin board we could post photos on and everyone would post their boring high school party photos. We weren't really going to parties, we were going to punk shows and hanging out in the streets fucking with tourists. So one weekend we decided to take stage some photos for the wall to make fun of the future frat bros in our class. Here was Keith's entry.

This last one I may have actually told on Farcaster before, and honestly it was my idea so it's less of a Keith story, but we were at the mall and we walked passed Abercrombie which was the go to clothing for the same future frat bros we were making fun of in the last post. I had my camera so I thought it would be funny to take some photos of us in there. 
But when I saw this huge photo of a bunch of topless dudes on the wall I had an idea. A whispered the idea to my friends and then in a fake vaguely eastern european accent I asked one of the employees "Will you take picture of us in American Abercrombie?"
The employee agreed and we lined up in front of the huge photo and right as he was about to press the button we all took off our shirts and posed like the photo. Hilariously the guy actually took it and then took a second for good measure. 
I printed the photo out in my highschool darkroom where the yearbook staff was working on the yearbook. I guess I left a print behind because when the yearbook was published at the end of the year that photo was randomly in it, it was so goddamn funny to me, and it still is 25 years later. The end.