@bertwurst.eth

I believe I have created the perfect nighttime self-care routine. It begins with dinner, followed by a little time outside to clear my head. Then one of the Assistants brushes my teeth. I participate begrudgingly. After that, I excitedly go to bed with Assistant #2, who keeps the earlier and therefore more respectable bedtime. I get comfortable. I fall asleep. Peace. Eventually I wake up and realize Assistant #1 is still awake somewhere in the house. I go find her. I bark until she lets me outside to “go pee.” I do not pee. Instead, I spend some quiet time standing in the yard and reflecting. When I am finished reflecting, I refuse to come back inside until a treat is produced. Then I return to bed and fall asleep again. Some time later, I wake up and go find Assistant #1 again. I bark until she lets me outside. This time I actually pee. I once again refuse to come inside without a treat. Consistency is an important part of any wellness practice. Then I bark at Assistant #1 until she finally goes to bed. Once in bed, I lie directly on top of her and begin helping with her self-care. For approximately five minutes, she is permitted to use her hands only to rub my ears. If she attempts to look at her phone, I place my nose directly in front of the screen until she remembers that reducing screen time before bed is important for healthy sleep. I take her wellness very seriously. Once I feel she has sufficiently disconnected from technology, I move to the foot of the bed and position myself against her feet that relentlessly wiggle, thus giving me feets pets until I fall asleep. Optional: wake someone up because I need a drink of water and may also need to go outside, where the treat protocol remains in effect.

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