Things I Have Barked At
(a working list)
- Assistant #1
- Assistant #2
- Uncle Pierre
- Luna & Bubbles
- Bosa
- Hank & Gus
- Luna & Bubbles mom when she didn’t give me a treat
- A dove
- A lizard
- A bunny
- A javalina
- A deer
- A rock
- A different rock
- The vacuum
- The mop
- The doorbell
- A saguaro
- Assistant #1 when she said “we’re out of matcha”
- A sprinkler head
- A mysterious smell I caught on the wind
- The wind
- The mail carrier
- A delivery driver
- My own fart
- An unknown dog across the street
- The bug guy
- A cat in a window
- A UPS truck
- A leaf falling unexpectedly
- The algorithm
- A knock on the door
- The Zojirushi rice cooker song
- The garage door
- A trash bin being dragged
- A recycling bin being dragged
- The sound of keys
- The full moon
- Someone saying ‘hi’ too enthusiastically
- The microwave beeping
- The toaster popping
- Assistant 1 sneezing
- Assistant 2 sneezing
- The shower turning on
- The hair dryer
- Nothing (just testing)
- A dog in a commercial
- A child laughing
- A piece of trash in the road
- A plastic bag blowing by
- A patio umbrella, folded but not secured, swaying slightly in the breeze
- A shopping cart
- A car door slamming
- A motorcycle
- Fireworks
- A passing ambulance
- A fly
- A bee
- A spider
- A shoe being taken off
- A towel on a chair
- A man wearing flip flops and socks, slowly walking past the window while loudly humming a song I didn’t recognize, then stopping to take a selfie with my neighbor’s cactus
- A grocery bag
- A package being opened
- The printer printing
- The printer not printing
- A soda fizz
- The blender
- The freezer door opening
- Someone walking by the house
- A chair being scooted
- A cat existing
- My harness
- The word ‘walk’ said out loud
- Assistant 1 putting on shoes
- A suitcase
- A backpack
- My own sudden understanding of mortality
- A doorbell on TV
- My own reflection
- A shadow
- A Teams notification
- A dad in cargo shorts and a baseball cap adjusting the straps on his toddler’s helmet while the toddler repeatedly said “whee!” despite not being in motion
- A mysterious beep
- A regular beep
- A dog barking on a Teams call
- A dog barking in real life
- The sound of cheese being unwrapped
- The phrase ‘not right now’
- The phrase ‘you already ate’
- The vacuum again
- The wind again
- A bunny I was dreaming about
- The concept of doorbells in general
- A YouTube ad
- A bird flying too low
- An umbrella opening
- An airplane overhead
- A cardboard box that wasn’t there the day before
- A person carrying a large object
- A toilet paper roll
- A pillow falling off the couch
- The passage of time
- A shadow that looked like a demon
- A demon that looked like a shadow
- A duck
- A goose
- A hat on the couch
- An intrusive thought
- A beach towel draped over a patio chair
- A skateboard
- A stroller
- The garbage truck
- The recycling truck
- A man in a navy blue hoodie and white sneakers walking a large golden retriever who kept looking over at me
- A jogger with headphones on
- A kid in a neon green helmet riding bike, stopping suddenly to adjust his socks
- A hose
- The rake
- A dropped tortilla chip I was not allowed to eat
- A folding chair
- A yoga mat
- A potted plant
- My own bark echoing
- A mirror
- The screen door
- The baby gate
- A woman with a tightly coiled bun and tortoiseshell glasses at a table across from me at the coffee show, with a notebook in her lap, occasionally sipping from a tall iced drink and adjusting her coat like it didn’t quite fit (she smelled like coconut)
- A child with a balloon
- A statue
- A life-size cardboard cutout
- A parking cone
- A delivery robot
- A PokemonGo meetup
- The espresso machine
- The coffee grinder
- A cabbage
- A subwoofer
- Hogwarts Legacy
- A balloon
- A pigeon on a table
- A rolled yoga mat
- An unrolled yoga mat
- The freezer ice maker dropping cubes
- A lint roller being used
- A drawer closing too hard
- The sound of velcro
- A pen rolling off the counter
- A remote control falling on the couch
- The extremely long song the clothes dryer plays
- The smell of someone I’ve never met lingering on Assistant #1’s jeans
- The windshield wipers
- A sunshade being unfolded
- A bouncy castle
- A leaf blower
- A horse
- A grocery bag tipping over
- A cyclist
- Assistant #2 doing yoga
- Assistant #1 singing off-key while folding laundry
- The shadow of a tree that looked like a man holding a large spoon
- A fish tank at the pet store
- A child on a scooter who did not stop to admire me
- A jacket hung over the back of a chair in a way I found offensive
- A person on rollerblades
- The garbage disposal
- A swing set
- A tail (my own)
- A child’s toy that spoke unprompted
- A pot boiling over on the stove
- A jogger wearing a matching lavender workout set who passed by three times and never acknowledged me, which felt like a personal slight
- Someone moving furniture slightly
- The absence of cheese
- The presence of cheese
- The eerie glow of a computer screen left on overnight
- Siri speaking unprompted
- A foam roller
- The shadow of a drone
- A person wearing a big hat
- The slamming of a car trunk
- A patio chair scraping on the ground
- A painted rock on the sidewalk
- A parked scooter
- A bag of flour
- A tennis ball under the couch
- A tissue being pulled from the box
- The broom falling over
- The neighbor saying hello from behind the fence
- The silence after asking to go outside and no one responds
- The wind coming from the North
- The wind coming from the Northeast
- The wind coming from the East
- The wind coming from the Southeast
- The wind coming from the South
- The wind coming from the Southwest
- The wind coming from the West
- The wind coming from the Northwest
- The ceiling fan on high speed
- The oven preheating beep
- The smell of vinegar
- A pile of laundry
- A frozen pea on the floor
- A child in a spiderman costume
- A woman shouting on speakerphone at the coffee shop
- Crocs
- A parked motorcycle
- Assistant #1 wearing a hat with ears
- A person using walking sticks
- A golf cart
- A sign that says “No Dogs Allowed”
- A woman carrying a brown paper grocery bag that was slightly tearing at the bottom, and I could see a bunch of bananas and what might have been a baguette sticking out, which was suspicious
- A propane tank
- A Little Free Library
- Someone playing country music on a bluetooth speaker on a hike
- A child blowing bubbles
- A dog wearing shoes
- A car with eyelashes on its headlights
- A man eating a banana
- The scent of grilled meat
- The crunch of a plastic water bottle being stepped on
- A basketball hoop
- A mailbox
- A fire hydrant
- A towel
- A doormat
- A ladder
- A puddle
- A bike rack
- A compost bin
- A gate
- A sliding door
- An elderly woman wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat and pushing one of those floral-patterned rolling shopping carts
- A storm drain
- A bird feeder
- A bush rustling
- A wind chime
- A soccer ball
- A basketball
- A kickball
- A roll of wrapping paper leaning against the corner of the closet
- A baby stroller
- A moving truck
- A bus making that psssht sound
- A train whistle
- A parking meter
- The inevitability of being left behind 14 replies
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