@ada33

Bruh… my girlfriend called me from the dressing room today whispering like the daughter from Taken hiding under the bed. And when I say whispering.. I don’t mean “sexy whisper” I mean “911 operator about to triangulate the call” whisper. I thought we had an active shooter in Dillard’s. I come running across the fucking food court like Liam Neeson with low blood sugar. I bust in the dressing room like SWAT.. shoes already in my hand. She’s in the corner looking like she’s about to confess to a war crime. …It’s a BUG. Not even a scary bug. Not a tarantula. Not a hornet. A little confused mall roach looking for a Cinnabon crumb. So now I’m standing there sweating in the doorway fighting for her honor against a bug that can literally survive nuclear war. Mall security walked by like “Sir… is this domestic terrorism or pest control?” And the worst part? I was READY. I was ready to die for her. I had my fucking monologue rehearsed in my head. I thought I was going out a hero.

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