FMyLife

FMyLife

FML

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Driving home from the beach less than 24 hrs from getting there because I forgot the power cord to my old man breathing machine.

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I went on a first date. He got so drunk he forgot what he ordered to eat ten minutes after ordering. He also had to text me later to ask if we kissed, because he couldn't remember. FML

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I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

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I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants. FML

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I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad.. FML

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I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her newborn daughter after me. FML

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I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so l kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

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I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

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My roommate sent me a picture of his shit. I don't know what's worse, the caption saying "3 Ibs" or the fact that it was all one gigantic piece. FML

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I was eating an ice cream cone when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

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I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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I was in the Walmart parking lot listening to some music in my car and some lady comes up to me and say, "Boy, the music you listen to is so unholy, I think you need some Jesus in your life." FML

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My parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

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