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Ruslan Bezsmertnyi

@lp1927

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83 Followers
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Title: “How I Mistook a Stranger for My Uber Driver and Now I’m Emotionally Invested in His Divorce” So I’m standing outside, waiting for my Uber. It says “white Toyota Corolla,” 2 minutes away. Suddenly — a white Corolla pulls up. Without thinking, I open the door, hop in and go: — “Hey, bro, let’s roll, I’m late already.” The guy looks at me… and says: — “I’m literally just parked here. I’m texting my ex-wife.” I’m frozen. But instead of getting out like a normal person, I say: — “Damn. Want to talk about it?” Long story short, I sat in this random dude’s car for 20 minutes while he poured his heart out. Apparently she took the cat. And the PlayStation. I told him he’s better off without her. He said I remind him of his cousin. Eventually my actual Uber showed up. We fist-bumped. No regrets. Still waiting for an update.
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Title: “I Accidentally Became a Life Coach in the Men’s Room” So I’m at this random co-working space, just minding my own business, about to take the most regular, uneventful pee of my life. Suddenly, this dude kicks open the bathroom door like he’s in a Fast & Furious spin-off and storms in. Stares at me mid-pee and goes: — “Bro. Real question. Should I quit my job and start a crypto podcast?” I haven’t even zipped up yet and I’m already in career guidance mode. I go: — “That depends. Do you own a ring light?” He nods. — “Two.” I say: — “Then it’s not a question of if. It’s a question of when.” He stares into the mirror like he just unlocked his destiny, whispers “Holy sh*t,” and walks out — didn’t even wash his hands. I haven’t seen him since. But part of me hopes he’s out there… recording hot takes in his mom’s basement… With immaculate lighting.
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Title: “How I Became a Shaman at the Bank for 7 Minutes” So I’m standing in line at the bank. It’s hot, Wi-Fi is dead, everyone’s mad at life. Out of nowhere, this lady, like 60-something, walks up and asks me: — “Do you work here?” I was this close to saying no… but instead I go: — “Yes. But I’m not your regular employee. I’m an energy consultant.” She blinks. — “What does that mean?” Me, fully committed: — “I cleanse the ATMs from negative financial energy. When a terminal lags, that’s usually toxic transaction buildup. And I also check the karma of debit cards.” She hands me her card. Dead serious. — “Please check mine. Money keeps disappearing from it.” I hold it like it’s a sacred artifact and say: — “There’s a strong energetic pull from… A.T.B. You must resist the ‘2 for the price of 1’ deals immediately.” She nods in deep spiritual understanding. Three minutes later, I walked out of that bank like a legend. No paycheck. Just vibes
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